Yup that's what 2014 is shaping to be, a total repeat of one of the worst, if not THE worst, years of my existence. The death of James Avery (Uncle Phil) on the first day should have been the sign of whats to come. and yes, i know that he does not relate to me in any way, but i take these signs to heart ok?! After that was just a hodgepodge of arguing, anxiety, worrying about the future, me being stuck at home, suicidal thoughts, brain cells decaying, and get this, me losing the one thing that actually kept my ass sane; my iPod touch. When i lost that shit i was a major mess, my misanthropy and hatred for everything came back at full power, and my desire for the end of the world was twice as strong. Also if it's not the cold weather that depressed me these past two months, IT'S THE GODDAMN SNOW!!!!!! yes i know i'm beating a dead horse by saying how much i absolutely LOATHE snow during winter, but this one made me hate it even more. Every fucking week was a damn snow storm, and shoveling it became a weekly workout. Finally to make matters worse, the last two classes that i need in order to graduate is two of the hardest of all, which REALLY made me think if the major i'm taking is even the right one, and if all what i put in was a waste of time and energy. not only that, but add the fact that my career is super competitive and i'm not as good or advanced as everyone around me, and that REALLY makes me doubt my future. I doubted it before, but now it's confirmed that my future is absolutely gonna suck. Add the fact that I can't get a job and i have 4 days free and I can honestly say that i'll prolly end up jumping off the BK Bridge before i reach 30, or hell, 29 at this damn rate. Yes suicide is selfish, weak, and gets me a first class ticket to hell, but I just can't take the hell that i'm living right now. Besides, i often dream about an alternate life, one where I am stronger, bigger, more aggressive, smarter, and have more fun too, because I sure as shit ain't getting that crap now. If I can't get into a coma, then death is my next alternative because I am really at wits end.
....the only positive thing that happened to me tho was that I FINALLY got a new iPod even though i had to sacrifice my money i was trying to save for myself, but the feeling is actually bittersweet because even tho ill get my music and games back, my mood is so damn bad that I won't feel like doing anything with it anyway, and the fear of losing it again does not help at all.
I just give up man....this is way too much stress for me to handle, so I'll end this with Erick Sermon's words "And this might be my last hurrah, I'ma rock now until tomorrow..."